Married Man Mess

HELLO DOLLY: I am falling in love with a married man...

I've been messing around with this married guy for sometime now. I feel so bad but I think I'm falling in love with him. I don't want to tell him because I'm afraid I'll scare him away.

He's always so nice to me and it's not just because of sex because it doesn't happen all that often. He has five boys with his wife -- I have 2 girls. I know I'm not going to get anywhere with this.

I just don't know what I should do and I don't see why he keeps coming back. A lot of local people go to this bar and when I'm there I always catch him looking at me or if I don't talk to him he makes it to where I know he's there. Is there any easy way to stop this, or to make it easier?
--MESS WITH A MARRIED MAN


Dear MESS WITH A MARRIED MAN:
We assume that what you really want in life is happy and lasting love. What blocks most people from ending up in a happy longterm relationship is failing to see the big picture. Instead, they only look at today, and, perhaps tomorrow.

The big picture includes who you choose, why you choose them, and the circumstances under which you get together. It includes how you feel today, tomorrow, next month, a year from now -- even ten years from now.

If you cannot see where you are going in the future, heaven help you. You head off for the supermarket and end up at the city dump.

So step back from whatever immediate feelings you have about this guy today, and look at where you are going. The choices you make today determine where you end up later.

If you choose to get involved with a married man, you are saying: "it is perfectly okay that a husband cheats on his wife."

You are sanctioning this behavior, to him, the world -- and yourself. Doing this now will affect the big picture you end up in for your future.

You are probably not seeing the future part of this picture, so let's try to open up your eyes. This big picture starts with you in the future, falling deeper in love with this guy. It shows you, further in that future, wanting something more with this guy than being his bar fling away from home.

What happens next? Once you want more, maybe he dumps you, and you get real hurt and become more cynical about love. But what if he decides to leave his family, and you end up his next wife? Keep your eye on the big picture. Remember, you already drew this picture to say it is okay that a husband cheats on his wife. You are telling this guy that very thing right now, by your actions. Guess what happens next, when he goes back out to the bar and leaves you home?

The choice is yours. You play the starring role in your life. We suggest you make sure it's a picture you truly want to star in.

So, you ask, is there a easy way to stop this? Yes. Next time you talk to him, tell him to take all his sexual interest in you and put it back home with his wife, where it belongs. Tell him you realized you have made a big mistake by being flattered by his interest in you. Say you woke up and saw the big picture, and did not like what you were doing to your own life.

Then simply stop interacting with him. Or stop going to the bar. You choose.

You are in charge of things, really. It's your life. It's your movie. You are the star. You are the director. You call the shots.

Make it a picture you want to star in. By calling a stop to this, you will be changing your own big picture. It will say that you are a woman who is only interested in a real relationship with a man who is fully free and available to take love to its full limits and totally commit to one woman.