Mother-in-Law or Marriage?

Hello Dolly,

I married the love of my life, "Simon," a year ago. At the time, I was five months pregnant. While Simon and I stood taking our vows at the altar, his mother, "Bernice," felt the need to stand up and announce that the only reason we were being married was because I was pregnant -- and that I'd done it on purpose to tie him down. I was devastated hearing this at my wedding, and I let Simon know it. I tried to forgive her.

A few months later, Bernice arrived at the hospital as I was giving birth. Again, she started in on how I got pregnant on purpose to tie her son down and began telling everyone in my family how horrible I was. Again, I tried to forgive her.

The final straw came when plans were being made to celebrate Simon's college graduation. Bernice made dinner reservations for everyone in the family and excluded my son and me. I told Simon how hurt I was. His response was, "I can't control my mother."

Dolly, I was so fed up with having to swallow her abuse with no support from my husband that I kicked him out. I desperately wish he would confront his mother about her abusive behavior, but he's scared of her. I have tried talking to her about it, but when I do she just gets worse. I want to save my marriage, but I don't want Bernice around me or my son anymore. What should I do?

--Had Enough in Atlanta, Georgia


Hello "Had Enough":
Whether or not your marriage is salvageable is up to your husband. You married a man with an impossible, domineering and hostile mother. Forget that it takes "two to tango." Because Simon hasn't accepted his own responsibility in the conception of this child, he has allowed his mother to portray you as the tramp who tricked him into fatherhood. There is nothing you can do. It's up to Simon to deal with his mother. Unless he's willing to confront the problem, get marriage counseling with you and act on it, nothing will change.

Do you know what to do when talking to a deaf or hard of hearing person?

QUESTION: 

Hello Dolly, Many hearing people feel awkward or frustrated trying to communicate with deaf/hoh people, especially when no interpreter is available. Are there improvements one can make to reduce the awkwardness and frustration?

ANSWER:

Yes… Here are some ways to start:

• Physical improvements
• Environmental improvements
• Verbal improvements
• Nonverbal improvements

Knowing what to do when you meet a deaf person can be especially important in emergency situations such as Hurricane Katrina. For example, a deaf person told the Houston Chronicle (September 11, 2005) that when deaf evacuees were at the Houston Astrodome registering, lines were long and deaf people had no way to communicate without interpreters.

Make Physical Improvements

Simple changes to your physical appearance and actions can improve communication. For example, trimming a mustache and/or beard so that it does not block the mouth, makes an instructor or supervisor easier to lipread. Making sure all of your face can be seen and that you don't have anything in your mouth, helps too.

In my personal opinion, a hearing person should not bend down to talk because it may irritate the deaf/hoh person. Bending down also does not improve communication and in fact may make it more difficult. (A hearing person told me that this behavior is very similar to an English speaking person yelling on the phone to a foreign person.) Carry a small pad and pen or another means of communicating in writing such as a handheld device that has a word processing program like Notepad. Many cell phones such as the T-mobile Sidekick come with note writing capabilities.

Make Environmental Improvements

Controlling the environment can also help communication. Make sure that your position is good relative to a light source. Good and properly positioned lighting helps with seeing speech and signs. Monitor the noise level as noise can interfere with understanding. (About Deafness/HOH has an article on Classroom Acoustics).

In a group situation, make sure only one person talks at a time. If you have a board available, write notes on it. Prepare and distribute agendas for meetings in advance. In my personal experience, a good though imperfect backup technique is to have a hearing person with a laptop sit next to the deaf person and take notes as you would for a college lecture.

Make Verbal Improvements

My personal opinion is that speaking slightly slower helps. Other deaf people prefer normal speech. You may have to repeat or paraphrase. For a hard of hearing person, speaking louder but not shouting, may help. Do not exaggerate your speech. For some reason, "Can you read lips?" seems condescending to me. I prefer that hearing people let me tell them if I can lipread. I can, but only up to a point. Do use sign language if you know any sign even it is only the sign language alphabet.

Make Nonverbal Improvements

Nonverbal communication is very important to deaf/hoh people, who get many information cues this way. Use facial expression, and gestures. You may have to touch a deaf person on the shoulder, arm, or leg to get their attention if they are close enough to you. Otherwise, you may have to stomp your foot on the floor or flash a light.

In conclusion, a hearing person who has never met a deaf person before does not need to feel awkward or frustrated. There are plenty of techniques to use. Hearing people can communicate with deaf/hard of hearing people even if they do not know sign language.

Do You Forgive Easily?

QUESTION:

Hello Dolly....

Do you forgive easily?

--Unforgiving

ANSWER:

Unforgiving, I forgive pretty easily.

Forgiving is not always about the other person. To me, forgiving is a way of letting go of the past, healing and moving on. It's more for yourself than for anybody.

If someone holds on grudge and they won't forgive you.. they aren't worth your time.

It's better to forgive and let God deal with the other person how he sees fit. It's hard to let go of the anger but if I don't forgive some one it will keep bothering me to the point that I might take my anger out on some one else. I need to let it go and let God.
Do not seek revenge or repay evil for evil. Let God handle it in his perfect way ....

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness."
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.
Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

"Forgiveness unleashes joy. It brings peace. It washes the slate clean. It sets all the highest values of love in motion."

"Without forgiveness, there's no future".

Difficulties for a Deaf Person?

QUESTION:

Hello Dolly, what are some of the things that makes everyday life difficult for a deaf person?

ANSWER

Here are just some basic things that are part of everyday life for Deaf people, just as they are for hearing people.

Conversation

Just like hearing people, the Deaf like to talk with others. Depending on who the Deaf are talking with, conversation can be difficult for them. If two deaf people are signing to each other, there isn't a problem, but if a hearing person and a deaf person are trying to communicate and the hearing person doesn't know sign, or much about the Deaf community, there can be a communication problem. When the deaf person goes up to the hearing person, and starts signing to communicate the hearing person might look away in disgust because of their lack of learning about the Deaf community. Deaf people converse in many ways. Two of the most common ways are sign language and lip-reading.

Television

Just like hearing people, the Deaf like to watch TV , but since the Deaf have hearing impairments, it is harder for them to able to watch and enjoy TV. Closed captioning is not perfect, though. Spoken words, shouted words, and whispered words are all printed the same way. So the deaf have to imagine the people's emotions.

Driving cars

Just like hearing people, the Deaf drive cars. Many hearing people think that this is a problem. They think that the inability to hear would prevent a deaf person from being a good driver. The Deaf, with their hearing losses, usually become very observant visually. Because of this, many are GREAT drivers.

Telephones

Just like hearing people, deaf people enjoy talking on the phone. Since they have hearing impairments, however, it can be difficult or impossible with a regular telephone. Ringer lights are lights that flash when the phone rings, so the deaf person knows when the phone is ringing.

Specially trained dogs can also alert a deaf person that the phone is ringing.

Most states today have relays operated by phone companies. A relay is used when a deaf person and hearing person want to talk to each other. They call a special phone number and an operator answers. The operator has a TTY machine. This operator will read to the hearing person what the deaf person is typing on the TTY, and will type back to the deaf person what the hearing person is saying. This enables people who do not have access to TTY's to converse by phone with deaf people who do.

Baby crying

Just like hearing people, deaf people have children. When the children are babies and they cry, they may need attention. In fact they may need immediate attention. With their impaired hearing deaf people may not know that their baby is crying, especially if the child is in another room.

Deaf parents, like all parents, need to know when their child is crying. Baby monitors are available to flash lights when a child is crying. The deaf parent can see the light flash and can then check to see if something is wrong or what the child needs or wants.

Specially trained dogs can also alert a deaf person that the baby is crying.

Fire alarms

Just like hearing people, the Deaf need to know if something is wrong. If a fire ever starts in a house, the people inside need to know about it and be able to get out of the house in time. The same goes for the Deaf.

When there's a fire in your house, you need to know about it -- right now! You need to be able to get out of the house to safety. You need to call the fire department. Deaf people are exactly like hearing people, except that they may not be able to hear their smoke alarm going off. There are, however, fire alarms and smoke detectors with strobe lights and very loud audible alarms. These flash an extremely bright light to warn deaf people of smoke or fire danger. The light is bright enough to wake a person from a sound sleep. They can see the light and many can either hear the alarm or feel the vibrations of the sound.

Special dogs for the Deaf can also alert a deaf person that the smoke detector is going off.

Doorbells

Just like hearing people, deaf people need to know when their doorbell rings. Except they might not hear and that can make it hard to know when to answer the door.

Since the Deaf cannot hear well -- or at all -- it can be hard to tell when the doorbell is ringing. A "door light" will flash a light when the doorbell rings.

Also specially trained dogs can alert a deaf person when a doorbell rings.

Alarm Clocks

Just like hearing people, deaf people have to get up at a certain time, so alarm clocks are used to wake people up. Since the Deaf have hearing losses they have a hard time hearing the alarm clocks.

Deaf people have jobs and go to school and everything else that hearing people do. When they have to be somewhere at a certain time, they have to wake up at a certain time. But they may have trouble hearing alarm clocks because of their hearing loss. There are watches that vibrate when the alarm goes off. There are also clocks with vibrating bed alarms that are used to wake them up. These alarms usually use a vibrator of some kind that fits under a person's pillow or mattress.

Protectiveness or Abuse?

Hello Dolly : 
My boyfriend, " BILL" won't leave me alone. We have been living together for almost a year, and he is the ultimate overprotector. When I start to leave the house to run errands or anything, he stops me and asks, "Where do you think you're going?" When I tell him, he will then follow me to the location. I love BILL and would never want to hurt his feelings, but I think he's a little too worried about me. I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself. Is BILL being too overprotective, or am I just crazy?

-- OVERPROTECTED IN GEORGIA

Dear OVERPROTECTED: 
You're not crazy. BILL's behavior is over the top and is less about your safety than his own insecurity and lack of trust. Every year or so, I print the warning signs of an abuser. Please review them carefully. If any of the signs in addition to No. 3 apply to you, you should end the relationship immediately. Read on:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.       

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.         

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.     

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."        

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.       

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.   

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.   

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.   

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.        

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.     

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

Boyfriend Problems?

Hello Dolly:

Just before the summer holidays, my boyfriend stopped talking to me properly he just replied in 1 or 2 words and sounded irritated with me so what does that mean? Is he giving me signals that he’s bored of me? This has been happening for a long time but he won’t break up with me either.

WHAT DO I DO??????????????????
plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz help me!!!!!!!!!!!!

-CONFUSED


Dear CONFUSED:

Explain to him that you are unhappy with the relationship like it is now. Ask him what can change. If he says he doesn't see anything wrong, he's happy with things....Walk away yourself. You don't have to wait for him to leave you. You can leave him. You need to be happy and feel loved in any relationship. Communication is the best part of a relationship. Without that, all other things will go downhill.